Preparing for the Trip

Well, we are now back from our first trip to Ethiopia. It is strange to be back, but good. It seems like we were gone much longer than a week. It is really difficult to describe just how foreign it felt to be there - in so many ways. We really had to depend on the Lord for every single thing, as we really have had to do throughout this entire process. It's been such a great lesson for us. You know, Ben said something in one of his Facebook status updates before we left that really struck a cord with me:

"I sometimes wonder at a God that would call someone who is afraid of flying to adopt a little boy from Ethiopia. Our 'limits' are not His limits. He is faithful."

I remember being 17 and at a youth camp in Tyler, Texas when I really understood the Lord's call on our lives to live completely for Him. At that time we called it "being called to the ministry" - I later learned that each one of us are called to ministry (obedience, fulfilling our purpose to glorify God in all things, spreading His Gospel). I remember having an immediate fear that this might mean God would call me to Africa. I would sometimes pray and ask that He not call me that far. I shudder at the thought of that now. What if I had decided to disobey? Or to simply ignore what He was showing me? I would have missed out on

so much - namely, MY SON. We do not know the Lord's full plan for our lives, but we do know that it is a good plan. We have to trust Him and walk in obedience - no matter the cost. For me at this time, that meant facing one of my biggest fears 4 times in one week. It meant traveling halfway around the world to meet a little boy whom I've never met and call him "son." It meant learning to sacrifice and give of myself in so many ways - being stretched and molded in areas of my life that I did not want to give up. It meant a complete change of perspective, blind faith, and exposing all of my weaknesses. It has meant so much.

When I first began to struggle with anxiety, I would sit in my closet at home weeping and begging the Lord to take this "thorn from my flesh." I did not understand why God would want me to endure this struggle. In the years since, I've seen tiny glimpses of His purpose, but this adoption process has blown the cover off. I won't pretend to have complete insight into His plans and purposes, but I will tell you that I have seen and experienced the hand of God at work through this weakness in me. About 2 days before we left for Ethiopia I pleaded with the Lord to take away my panic and fear. I was an emotional and mental wreck. The thought of the long flights, all of the unknowns, the fear of not bonding with Abe or him not accepting us...it was just almost too much to bear. But therein was the problem - I was trying to bear it all alone. Sure, I asked for prayer, I prayed

myself, but there was a disconnect. It wasn't until I actually had to step out in faith and obedience that I began to see the Lord's purpose. Where I used to fall to my knees and beg the Lord to have mercy on me and remove this struggle from my life, I now bow on my knees before Him and thank Him for entrusting it to me. When we cast our cares upon Christ, it enables us to be obedient. He will carry our burdens so that we can be about His work. I do not wish to be boastful - for this is all about Christ. I know that I must rely on the Holy Spirit to continue this work in me, but I am so thankful for the opportunity to suffer so that I can learn what it is to be dependent on Christ and to trust Him. I pray that I can pass this on to our son.

"I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses. Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say, or because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:5b-10

This process is difficult, but it is amazing. I am in awe of how God creates families and instills love inside of us for a child we've never met. We miss our little Abe so much already, but we trust the Lord's timing to bring us together. I am thankful that we had a week with him, and because I know my God is a good God with

a good plan, I can also be thankful for this time apart. He is going to teach us something new, and He'll be revealing Himself in a unique way to us in this time. We are so grateful to each of you who have been holding us up in prayer. I think of you as my Aaron and Hur from Exodus 17. When I could not pray for myself, you prayed for me. When we felt all alone, you lifted us up. When we've had a need, you've been there. I feel like a broken record in these blogs because I constantly thank you...please know I am not repeating myself. We are truly grateful for each of you, and we thank our gracious Lord for you.