"Raising Adopted Children": Part 1

I just finished reading Book 1 of 2 of the required reading for our dossier. It is entitled "Raising Adopted Children" by Lois Ruskai Melina. I was surprised at how much I loved it and how helpful it was. A lot of my concerns and questions were addressed, and I just really felt that the author "gets it." She has adopted children of her own, so she's speaking from experience as a prospective and post-adoptive parent. I want to get some of my thoughts out on "paper," so I'm basically just going to list things I found insightful and helpful in this blog entry. It may seem somewhat choppy, incoherent, or possibly even boring to many readers. But, the purpose is just to put it out there. So, here goes:

1 "Having expected finally to be recognized as a mother or father, adoptive parents may be taken aback when someone predicts that a pregnancy will soon follow the adoption - with the implication that the adoptive parents will then have what they really want." - How many times have we heard this in the past year? We know it's spoken from a place of genuine love and care, but this has really opened up my eyes to my own perspective on adoption. We have learned that God builds families, that adoption is not about the next step to having our own biological child, but the next step in God building our family.

Later on the author states, "Five percent of people with untreated infertility problems conceive after adopting - the same percentage of infertile couples who conceive but do not adopt. Yet the myth persists that one sure way to get pregnant is to adopt." - We are learning to see this way of thinking as just that - a myth. We never want our child to think that we only adopted him or her so that we could become pregnant with our "real" child. Our adopted child is just as much our "real" child as any we may physically bring into the world. Just as each of us who have come to Christ are just as much God's "real" children as His own Son, Jesus. (Galatians 6:4 is a great picture of this)

2 "If visits with the infant before placement are not possible, adoptive parents can make the transition easier by learning and following the routine and method of care and interaction used by the previous caretaker. It is important to maintain the infant's schedule as much as possible and to replicate the way the infant is used to being fed, dressed, bathed, and even diapered..." Pray for us in this - that we would be given as much information as possible so that we can aid our child's transition and make it as smooth as we can. We will get to meet our child when we make our 1st trip to Ethiopia for our court date (still months away), so we're hoping we'll get to learn some of these things while we're there that first time.

3 Attachment is a major issue and concern with adoptive families. There's so much in this book and other training materials we've read that address attachment - too much to share here. But we also ask that you pray for us now and once we bring our child home. Pray that the Lord will give us patience as we develop a relationship with our child and as we allow that child to attach to us. We may have to take the first month or so somewhat "alone" - allowing our child to understand who we are (their new caretakers) and helping to form that bond and attachment. This means we will need to limit the amount of time our child is held by, played with, or has his needs provided by other people. This is a new concept for us - it's different from what you'd expect with a biological child. Biological children have already attached to the mother, and have other ways of continuing that attachment to the parents after birth. It's just a different situation. Of course, we will at times need help, and of course, we will want our immediate family members to be able to spend time with our child. This is probably going to be one of those trial and error processes. We are going to have to make an intentional effort to help the child bond to us first. It can be confusing to the child when he/she is being held by or cared for multiple people when he first arrives. It will take longer for him to bond to us as his parents, so it's going to definitely be a time of learning. Not only will this help us bond to our child and him to us, but we know it will grow Ben and I closer to each other as we depend on the Lord and each other during that first period of adjustment at home. Pray with us for this process, and we'll appreciate your continued prayers and patience with us as we figure this out after we bring our child home.

Next time, I'll blog more about "Talking About Adoption." I learned a lot in this section...so much to think about, plan for, pray about! But, this excites me as well. It's definitely a journey, and we're so glad that we're not on it alone! Thank you for your continued prayer and support!

Until next time! :)